Chapter 35. My Project..
Sometime around 2019 into 2020, I began to work on a project about my family tree. I wanted to know more about where I come from and try to locate family members. I wanted to find my family. I wanted to be able to tell my daughter that she does have a family. I also didn’t want my daughter to ever feel like I have all my life. The parasite was never very forthright about our extended family. She said they were either dead or they didn’t want us. She was always uncomfortable with us looking into our family tree. So, I went to Ancestry.com and started looking. I became obsessed with it. I barely even slept because all I wanted to do was look. I found out a lot about myself though. Stuff that the parasite didn’t want me to know about. She didn’t want anyone to really know about. She hid secrets for so long that she said she’d take it to her grave.
I found out at one point that the parasite was not my biological mother. Which honestly explained everything if you think about it. Most would say, “She’s still your mom! She raised you!” Fuck, I wish she didn’t. But I don’t see it that way. She was abusive towards me. She bullied me relentlessly. She took my health away from me. She took my voice away from me. She never allowed me to love myself. She obviously had some hatred for me for some reason and I wanted to know why. My dad was no longer alive so I couldn’t ask him anything. And I damn sure couldn’t trust the parasite.
I was in shock when I found out. One morning I was looking for a record of my birth certificate and found one with the name on it, Cathy Lucille Mesman-Ash. She resided in Florida. She died of some sort of cancer. She donated her body to science. Which I found was quite ironic. I began putting all these puzzle pieces together. My grandmother Linda would take me to visit a lady with breast cancer in Florida. It was so pretty! I loved going to Florida. I used to go swimming with this lady all the time. I also got to talk with the same woman when we went to Van Bibber Lake.. She stayed in a camper near my grandmother’s camper. I just didn’t know she was actually my mother. I shed a few tears. I became angry. Confused. Lost. You could only imagine what I was going through on top of dealing with the CPS case and the constant harassment from my ex. I felt like I was surrounded by toxic…